Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

I am tired and kind of bored and sexually frustrated, so here, have a blog post.

Over at Submissive Guide’s Journal Prompts, I came across this: “Do you crave structure in your life, or are you more of a ‘go with the flow’ sort of person?”

Do I crave structure?  Oh my goodness, do I ever!  

For starters, I am a perfectionist.  That sounds like the sort of thing you say on a job interview when they ask what your biggest failing is (which is to say, it sounds like complete bullshit).  But it’s true, I am a perfectionist in the worst, most awful, frustrating, paralyzing way.  The sort of perfectionist who can never start anything for fear that it won’t be good enough.  Seriously.  By my last semester of college I would force myself to write papers I’d been procrastinating over by getting slightly tipsy before starting.  I basically bought a mini-fridge just to keep my $5 bottles of “champagne” chilled.

I am about a million times more secure when I have very clear instructions about what to do/how to do what I’m doing.  Otherwise I just get overwhelmed and anxious and terrified I’m going to do the wrong thing.  I would rather do nothing at all than screw up.  Clear, structured steps telling me how to do something help so very, very much with getting started.

This is why I like rules.  Rules are really awesome.  And super clear, step-by-step instructions are even better.  I’m actually really indebted to Laura Antoniou, who really hammers home in the two classes on service I’ve taken that, unless otherwise specified, do things the quickest, most efficient way.  Which usually leads to a joke about calling in Merry Maids, but it also helps me with my fear of being wrong.  I actually do know how to clean the bathroom, for instance.  I don’t have to worry as much about doing it wrong.

I also really like routines.  Like, to the point where sometimes I wonder if it’s entirely healthy.  It’s less of an issue when I feel pretty okay about my life, but there have been times where things haven’t been going well where I basically felt devastated by having to walk on the “wrong” side of the street on my way to work, or by “my” booth at the pizza place being occupied.

This is less of a thing than it used to be, but I still really like routines.  Like, on Sundays I clean my room, on Mondays I go grocery shopping and do laundry.  Even if I miss this things for a good reason, it throws my whole week a little out of whack.

So yeah…structure and routine are basically some of my favorite things.  I’m working on trusting myself enough to try things for a first time, even though I may not do them perfectly that time.  It helps that Garnet is really good at gently correcting me the first time I get something wrong.  Also, they’ve given me a phrase for when my perfectionism gets really out of hand — progress, not perfection.

It’s tricky sometimes, but I am slowly learning that progress is probably actually better than perfection.

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