Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

Archive for September, 2012

On a more cheerful note…

Posted in Uncategorized on September 20, 2012 by

Okay, lets go back.  Back before my week of awful stress and awfulness, back to the day Garnet branded me.

We came home after dinner and they asked what I wanted to do.  I kind of awkwardly stammered something about sex.  We went upstairs and I forget exactly how it happened, but I was very quickly undressed and they had a cane in their hand and then I was getting caned all over my ass and thighs and squealing and purring with pain and delight.

I have written many times before about pain that is hard to take, pain that is challenging that I want to take for Garnet out of love and devotion.  This caning was not that kind of pain.  It felt fucking delicious, and fun, and it hurt, and I loved it.  The cane bounced on my ass and thighs in a way that made me squirm.  Eventually it did get overwhelming, but it’s been a while since I enjoyed a beating that much.

After I couldn’t take anymore, Garnet asked if manual sex worked for me.  I replied that manual sex pretty much always works for me.  It’s seriously one of my favorite things, and they are so ridiculously skilled at it.  Soon, they were slipping their fingers inside of me.

It felt amazing.  They worked my g-spot hard and it felt so fucking good that when they offered me the Hitachi beside the bed I asked to wait.  I, of course, have never had an orgasm without clitoral stimulation (well, except for that one I had in my sleep that time), but my g-spot seems to be getting more and more responsive.  As they fucked me with their fingers my cunt felt full and liquidy and like I might squirt or come just from that alone.

They grabbed the Hitachi and held it to my clit.  I managed to say that I was probably going to come a lot as soon as the vibration hit, and I asked for a towel in case I squirted.  Garnet put a spare pillow under me and they switched on the Hitachi, still pushing inside me with their fingers.

I wanted to squirt so badly.  I really, really want to figure out a way to squirt with something inside me.  But I couldn’t.  I did, however, come.  I gasped and shuddered and came and came around Garnet’s fingers, and they held the Hitachi against me (and even put it on high for a little bit) and made me come more, in that way that I’m not sure if it’s one long orgasm or several right on top of each other.  And as I came, I could feel their brand on me, and the soreness from being caned, and they held me there, with their fingers pulling the orgasm(s?) out of me, my body doing what they wanted (well…except for squirting.  It would have been nice if my body had cooperated with that part, but anyway) and I was completely theirs and it was wonderful.

The stuff in my head returns/Things I hate about myself

Posted in Uncategorized on September 18, 2012 by

So last week I had a really bad week.  Work was stressful, personal life was stressful, everything was stressful and I was profoundly upset.  I couldn’t stop crying, and when I wasn’t crying I just had this massive emotional hangover.  I had some trouble sleeping, but was tired all the time, and I lost my appetite and had no interest in food.  Spending time with Garnet over the weekend helped a lot, but on Friday when we were fooling around my body was just not responding the way it normally does and I ended up crying.  Not normal crying, but the same wrung-out, can’t deal with anything, can’t stop crying I only really do when I’m stressed and overwhelmed and…depressed?

Garnet took really good care of me throughout, and helped me de-stress a lot, and by the end of the weekend I felt about a thousand times better.

But now I’m really tired and even though my appetite is back and I’m not crying inconsolably over every single tiny thing, I don’t really feel that great today.  I actually feel kind of shitty.  And I’m so frustrated, because I thought I felt better and I don’t, not completely, and it’s making me really angry and frustrated with myself for dragging out this stupid self-pitying garbage when I should just be over it by now.

But even though I’m not in a constant state of panic, even though I don’t feel like quitting everything and hiding in my room forever until I waste away to nothing, I still don’t feel good.  And the mean parts of my brain have been making this awful list…which for some reason I feel the need to write down and share with the world.  So…here it is I guess?

Things I Hate About Myself
-The way most clothes look on me
-The way I’m too tired/lazy/apathetic to do my hair and makeup every day
-The way my skin is constantly broken out, still, even though I’m almost 30 and back on birth control
-The fact that I’m almost 30 and have no idea what I’m doing with my life
-The way I dump all my emotional nonsense on Garnet and constantly need reassurance
-Gonna repeat the last one, because I really, really, really hate how emotionally needy I am
-The fact that I basically never feel pretty for more than a few minutes at a time
-My eyebrows
-How terrible I am at plucking my eyebrows
-The faces and noises I make during sex.  Not when I actually have an orgasm, because at least that’s authentic and kind of uncontrollable, but before I get to that point, when I think I’m being sexy.  I suspect I am not sexy at all.
-The constant fear that Garnet doesn’t think I’m sexy, despite any and all evidence to the contrary
-The fact that the previous two points made me get jealous while watching porn with Garnet and our friends last week, something that’s never happened to me before
-How hairy I am.  I inexplicably love my armpit hair, which is soft and fluffy and feminine, but the rest of my body hair seems icky to me.
-The fear that not enough of my kinks match up with Garnet’s and they think I’m soft/wussy/boring because of it
-The way I feel sad and hate myself all the damn time for no reason
-The way my depression or whatever this is gets in the way of my submission
-The way my brain says evil shit to me constantly
-The fact that what I want more than anything is to feel safe, but I don’t know how to do that for more than maybe a few hours at a time
-The way I seem to be utterly fucked up and emotionally broken and completely unable to have a relationship where I’m not the center of attention and begging my partner to take care of me and save me and fix me all the time.
-A million other things I can’t articulate right now.

Edited to add:
-The size/shape of my fingernails
-My uncanny ability to twist absolutely every conversation around until it’s all about me and my needs and feelings
-How emotionally needy I am (deserves mentioning one more time)

Branding

Posted in Uncategorized on September 11, 2012 by

When I was a kid, my mom gave me her copy of the Illustrated Classics comic book of The Three Musketeers.  I honestly can’t even remember whether or not I read the whole thing.  The only part that stuck with me, for some reason, was the image of Milady, with a fleur-de-lis branded onto her shoulder, in bright red comic book print.  Something about the idea of the character being a marked woman, never able to completely shed her past stuck with me.

When we were getting ready for bed on Thursday night, Garnet revealed a fresh, red radiation symbol on their thigh.  ”Yeah…” they said, looking down at it.  They’d hinted that they had a surprise for me, but this was not at all what I’d expected.  We’d talked about them branding me sometime in the future, but I somehow thought it would be a long way off.  Also, I love how if Garnet is going to do something to me that they’ve never tried before, they do it to themself first, to see what it’s like.

We talked about placement and what the design would be.  We even went to he craft store and poked around looking at stamps and stencils.  They said they wanted to so an intricate design of lace and roses someday, but for now we decided to go with just their initial.  I love the idea of it.  I kept saying I’d be monogrammed, like all their fancy possessions.  We picked out a design together, and they marked it out on my skin, and we waited for the iron to heat up.

Now, it’s worth mentioning that what they were doing was, in fact, microbranding or cell popping (the term cell popping really makes me cringe for some reason), which involves burning tiny pinpricks into the first few layers of skin to make a design.  It is, in fact, pretty different from the way Milady was branded in The Three Musketeers.  Still, I was nervous about how much it would hurt.  Garnet assured me it didn’t hurt very much.  I explained that it wasn’t that I didn’t trust them, just that I know I have a shitty pain tolerance.  I told them the story about the time I stuck my hand in a toaster in the dining hall in college.  They told me I was an idiot.  I laid down and steeled myself so they could get to work.

It hurt a lot.  It felt like…well…being poked over and over again with a burning hot piece of metal.  But we took breaks, and Garnet reassured me and whispered to me about how I was taking the pain for them because I love them, which is the sort of thing I really, really love to think about when I’m hurting, and they gave me a bandanna to bite down on.  Of course I cried.  And then I cried harder because I was disappointed in myself for crying, but Garnet told me I didn’t need to feel ashamed of crying.  We took a break, and if anything, the second session hurt more.  But when we paused this time, Garnet stroked the fresh burn on my side in a way that made me shiver.  By the end, I was starting to enjoy it.  It felt almost like evil, stingy little kisses.  Good and bad at once.  Garnet laughed and pointed out that I was starting to like it.  They can always tell so well when I start to get turned on, even when I think it’s not obvious.

Of course it’s temporary.  I’m pretty prone to scarring, and Garnet send me an article on scarification aftercare, so I’ve been trying to do what I can to make it last.  We’re talking about going over it again.

I’m so happy with it.  I seriously get a huge thrill every time I see it in the mirror, this lovely, swirly letter burned into the skin over my ribs, two inches high.  It hurt so much, but I love the end result.  I love being so clearly marked.  And I love that Garnet is so happy with it, too.

Coupon

Posted in Uncategorized on September 2, 2012 by

While getting ready for work on Saturday, I suddenly had a plan.  I grabbed an index card off of a stack on my desk and wrote on it “This coupon good for 1 epic and amazing blow job.”  I wrote a bunch of other notes and caveats and things, saying when it could be redeemed and that, really, it could be redeemed for pretty much any sex act Garnet wanted and things like that.  I set it on their glasses and went to work.

I got a text in the middle of the day “‘Epic and amazing blow job’?”

The next day, we went out to lunch and walked around a bit.  We looked at cats up for adoption and visited a tiny museum.  When we got home, Garnet decided they wanted to cash in the coupon.  They undressed and had me get out the Share.

Once it was eased into place, I knelt between Garnet’s legs squirted some lube into my hand and began working their cock, sliding my hand over it, tugging and rubbing.  I slowly started running my tongue over the head, then slipping it into my mouth.  I glanced up frequently, making eye contact, enjoying their reaction.  ”That’s so hot…” they breathed.  I tried to work more of it into my mouth, trying to work against the laws of physics and logic to get their cock down my throat.

I really like the Share for many reasons, but it has a pretty sharp upward curve.  This is great for vaginal sex (or it was, the one time I got to experience that), but makes it basically impossible to deep throat it from the angle I was at.  I paused and tried to work out a better position to work from, and Garnet suggested I try facing the other way.  I turned and leaned over, ass in the air, and slid their cock down my throat.

It felt good.  Obviously not in the way that being fucked in the cunt or the ass feels good, but it felt sexy and exciting and like an accomplishment.  Garnet moaned and purred and I slid my mouth and hands over their cock, trying to keep my shoulder out of the way so they could see me take as much of it in my mouth and throat as I could.  I may have gotten a little carried away…I ended up not coming up for air often enough and I choked and gagged and spluttered.  I had to stop.  I’ll remember to pace myself better next time.

Garnet checked in that I was okay and comfortable and I reassured them that my unfortunately spectacular gagging was entirely my own fault.  ”I just want to make sure you’re okay,” they said again.  We took a little break.

After a few minutes’ rest, Garnet decided they wanted to try to have an orgasm.  I dug my Hitachi out of the toy cupboard and plugged it in, then pulled on a glove.  ”My nails are getting kind of long and I don’t want to scratch you,” I explained.  I lubed up my fingers and slid them over Garnet’s bits, stroking outside a bit before sliding one, then a second finger inside.

It took a few tries.  Garnet worked the Hitachi and I stroked from inside.  We both got frustrated, me with how short and small my fingers are and how I could only sort of reach the spot.  We both agreed to try again, after two pauses.  I slipped a third finger inside them, and, even through the glove, I could feel the difference right away.  As soon as my fingers touched the spot I knew that they were going to come.  I worked my arm and pushed my fingers there, stroking, tugging, watching Garnet respond.  Their breathing sped up and their skin began to flush.  They grabbed a bandanna they’d set aside for just this purpose and bit down on it as they came and came around my fingers.

I love helping Garnet come.

They handed me the coupon and said “Here, tear it in half, it’s used.”  They said they liked the coupon idea a lot.  I’ve gotta make more of those…

After, we lay together and cuddled a bit and I said over and over how cool it was, to be able to feel their body from the inside while that happened, to feel the changes that led to the orgasm.  They laughed at my enthusiasm and stroked my hair.  Not long after, I got very sleepy and we cuddled and I babbled sleepily about blood and sex until I finally nodded off, feeling safe and loved.