Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

Archive for June, 2012

Happy Pride!

Posted in Uncategorized on June 27, 2012 by

I met up with Garnet after work, in my old neighborhood.  It was actually kind of awful, when the doors opened on the elevated train and I happened to be standing directly across from my old apartment building, and everything was weirdly and horribly familiar.  I mean, I lived there for three and a half years.  That’s the longest I’ve lived anywhere other than my parents’ house.

But that’s neither here nor there.

We met up on the train platform, and from there we went to the completely amazing bakery that we love.  We sat, and I pushed a box across the table.  ”I’ve got a present for you.  For Pride.  Open the card here, but you might not want to open the box.”  She opened the card, guessed what was in the box, and we ordered fancy desserts to share.  I confessed that I hadn’t eaten lunch, and she glared at me over our baklava and told me I wasn’t allowed to masturbate the next morning.  I whined about how I didn’t want to skip the day with the clothespins (really, I didn’t want to skip masturbating while she’d be in bed with me to watch).

We went home, back to my new apartment, stopping to pick up food for dinner along the way.  We ate, and she unwrapped her present.  She’d guessed correctly what it was–a rainbow dildo!  Perfect for Pride!  Not that I generally give gifts or Pride, but she’d wanted that toy for a while.  She tried to decide how she was going to use it on me, and whether or not I’d get to come after my earlier whinyness.  She also gave me five hits to the bottom of each foot with a new impact toy she’d bought, for sassing her earlier.  It was tough being good when the heat was making me cranky.

She let me choose whether or not to undress, and I quickly pulled off my sundress and laid back on my new mattress.  She snapped on a glove, lubed up, and began working my clit and other outer bits with her fingers.  She told me I’d be allowed to come once and only once.  It’s funny to think I used to be so sure I’d never have multiple orgasms, and now I’m being given a cut off.  She started pushing her fingers inside me, working my g-spot.  I moaned and told her over and over how amazing it felt.

I think she had three or four fingers in me when she looked up and asked if I was going to come.  ”I don’t think I can like this…” I said, but she reminded me that I almost had once before.

“…and you just got a lot tighter,” she told me, adding that I was squeezing her fingers.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“I’m fine.  It’s really hot.”

“I kind of want more, but if I’m already too tight…”

Almost immediately she pushed and twisted her whole hand into me.  As always, it felt incredible.  I tried to ask if I could touch my clit, but had trouble speaking.  She gave me permission, she even offered me a vibrator, but reminded me that I would only get to come once and she was still going to use the dildo on me. I wriggled and rubbed at my clit and tried as best I could to push myself further onto her hand.  She put her head down and fucked me hard.  Occasionally, she paused to say how tight I was.

As amazing as it felt, and as much as I love being fisted by her, after a little while I started getting a little sore and a little overwhelmed.  I let her know she could switch to the dil whenever she wanted, and she laughed and asked if it was too much for me, twisting her hand so that I gasped and moaned.

She pulled out slowly, then picked up her new toy.  She pushed it into me as deep as it would go, it slid over my g-spot and bumped my cervix, a sensation I used to hate but have come to enjoy at the right time of the month.  She pushed it into me hard and fast, I could see my abdomen pushing out at little at the top of every thrust, a visual that I always find really hot.  Soon, I was asking for a vibrator.  She let me have it, and I managed to splutter that I might not be able to ask permission to come.  Almost immediately after she told me I could just do it, I came.  Hard.  Shaking.

So we broke in my new mattress, and a new toy, and then she snuggled up next to me and stroked my hair and we fell asleep together.

I’d like to celebrate Pride like this every year.

(Oh, and here’s a drawing for today, since I’m still being punished.)

Further thoughts on cheating…

Posted in Uncategorized on June 16, 2012 by

For some reason, this is in my head today.

The first time, I was devastated because I thought it meant I wasn’t…something enough.  Pretty enough, thin enough, normal enough.  I think I’m mostly over that.

But I am still angry about the second time, because I worked so fucking hard to get over the first time, I tried super hard to fix my depression and work out my issues and I spent all that time and money on therapy, like there really was something wrong with me and I could actually fix it.  And like if fixed it, that would somehow undo the fact that Roderick cheated on me.  The whole time I really, honestly felt like the problem was with me.  I am angry because after all that, it very much feels like he honestly didn’t care enough to walk ten feet and have a five minute conversation with me.  A less-than five minute conversation.

Our almost four years together were not valuable enough to rate walking into the next room and asking me one question.

I was not worth a five minute conversation.

And then he spent the next several months being constantly angry at me for being upset and not getting over it sooner.

I’m still angry.  And I really hate being angry.  Anger is an incredibly uncomfortable emotion for me.  And I really hate that I am too angry to really be able to be around him, and too angry to go places where I might run into him, and really angry that so many of the people who were our friends seem to think he’s so awesome and funny and worth hanging out with all the time when it is so clear in my mind that I was worth less than nothing to him.

And no one says, “Wow, what a shitty thing he did, I’m really sorry that happened. He really fucked up.”  No.  Everyone just offered advice on how I should get over it, because it’s so clear that the problem was really with me the whole time.  Not that he broke the agreed-upon promise he made, but that I was wrong for trying to make rules in the first place.

Because I don’t deserve to keep myself and my feelings from being hurt.  Why would I deserve that?

Everyone agrees.  I wasn’t worth one question.

I’m worth less than nothing.

30 Days of Kink – Day 30: Whatever BDSM/kink related thing you want to write about.

Posted in Uncategorized on June 13, 2012 by

I DID IT!

This is the last day of the 30s days meme.  And I’m kind of a little sad that it’s done.

For today’s prompt…I don’t really know what to write.  I’ve tried really hard to be honest while writing all these, even about stuff I was worried or embarrassed about.  I do think it’s kind of funny that I have so many potentially awkward kinks that I definitely forgot to list them all for that one prompt.  I managed to casually throw in mentions of cannibalism, my incest fetish, the part where I’m curious about sounding…but completely forgot to mention until much later how curious I am about piss play.

But yeah…tonight.  I feel like every single other kinky sex blogger on the internet has done this already, but…I think tonight I need to write a post about Fifty Shades of Grey.


Let me start by saying I haven’t read the whole thing, or even very much of it.  When it first started to become a big deal, I thought I should probably read it to see how bad it was.  But then I remembered that I used that same logic once before and that’s how I ended up reading all of Twilight.  


But I did read the contract, the rules, etc.  And some of the stuff immediately after them…and just…my friend had to seriously talk me down from throwing the book across the room.

Here’s the thing…it is a book with a lot of problems.  After reading a summary of Christian’s abusive behavior (which is extremely reminiscent of my relationship with Dr. Asshole), I don’t think I’g be able to read the whole thing without being triggered.  And it pisses me off to no end that Ana has little to no interest in having a D/s relationship.

But…ugh…the thing that bothers me the most, I think, is the analysis of Christian’s origins.  All the nonsense about his being into kink because of his past as a victim of abuse and his supposed inability to trust women.  Because having a D/s relationship with someone you can’t trust is totally healthy.

It bothers me because it hits close to home.  As I’ve talked about here a lot, my very first relationship was profoundly fucked up.  In my darkest moments of self-examination, I sometimes worry that part of the reason D/s dynamics are so hot for me is that some scary hidden part of me is trying to reenact my abuse.  And sometimes I do go into that same mental space that I sometimes went to with Dr. Asshole, where all I can do is apologize.  I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for anymore, but fuck, I’m sad and sorry and scared of not ever being forgiven.

But, of course, there are tons and tons of people who are into kink who’ve never been in an abusive situation.  Roderick, for one, has no history of abuse.  As I’ve said before, a lot of people I know who are both into D/s and are survivors of abuse were into D/s before they were abused.  And, most interestingly, when I brought this up with my most recent therapist, his response was “So what?”  It doesn’t matter why, as long as you are happy and healthy doing it.


So being kinky is not a defect.  Being kinky doesn’t necessarily mean someone is messed up or has some sort of dark past.  It doesn’t mean anything other than that you are into he stuff that you’re into.  It doesn’t need to be fixed, and for most people it’s not something that can be “cured” by the love of a good woman.  Or whoever.

So basically, fuck you, E.L. James.

(also here’s a drawing for today.)

30 Days of Kink – Day 29: Do you have a BDSM title (e.g. mistress, master, slut, pig, whore, princess, goddess, ma’am, sir)? What is your opinion of the use of titles in general?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 12, 2012 by

The most official title I have is that of Garnet’s maid doll girlfriend, though I also sometimes refer to myself as her lady’s maid and personal seamstress.  The former is what she sometimes calls me, though, so I consider it way more of a title, while the latter is more just a description of what I do.  Though really, it is not very formal or official at all.

I’m her maid–I draw her bath and bathe her, rub her feet, sometimes I dress her and take care of her clothes.  I fix her tea in the morning when I have the opportunity.  The service-y stuff I do for her falls under this category, and being her maid makes me feel good.  It makes me feel useful.  I also, of course, have a rather large amount of “Oh no! The poor maid is being taken advantage of!” fantasies.  In addition to those, there are the sort of…sexual service is just one of the many duties I perform-type fantasies.  They’re a little different, but they’re both very hot.

I am, of course, also her doll.  Her pretty plaything to dress up and admire.  She actually gives me a lot of choice in how I look, but I like when we play with the idea that it’s all up to her.  This past weekend she did my hair, and I absolutely love the way it came out.

And, of course, I am her girlfriend.  Which…it’s good for me to remember that we’re partners as well as Owner and pet/Sir and girl/Mistress and maid, etc.  Sometimes we have fairly formal times, where all the rules are super strict, and sometimes we hang out and eat Doritos and watch TV.  I am learning how to balance these things, and sometimes I am not the best at it.  The two aspects are so intertwined, but they aren’t quite the same thing.

As for the use of titles in general…I have mixed feelings.  If someone has a title they always like to be addressed by when in a scene, or something that they always use with their partner[s], that’s great.  It can sometimes feel a little awkward, though, to sometimes be introduced to Lord Master Sir Domlypants or Lady Goddess Domina, who is nothing more than a casual acquaintance, and be expected to actually call them that.  Like…I call my own dominant Sir, I feel weird calling anyone else that, I’m not in a D/s relationship with Lord Master Sir Domlypants, and it can feel weird.

Buuut…sometimes it’s someone’s professional name.  Like, if someone is a pro-dom[me] or a porn performer or runs a kinky business…then their name and title is usually their brand.  And I branding is important when you’re trying to run a business, so I don’t really begrudge people their brand.  Also…on a slightly sillier note, it helps you tell people apart.  Like…remember when you were in middle school, and there were three Jessicas or Jameses or Ashleys in your class, so there was Jess, Jessie, and Jessica?  Well…sometimes in the kink scene, you have Lady Jessica, Goddess Jessica, and, y’know, Jess, who switches.

So yeah.  The titles.  I have mixed feelings about them.

The 30 Days of Kink Meme (which I’m almost done with!) can be found here.

Aaaand, my drawing for today is here.

30 Days of Kink – Day 28: How do you dress for kink/BDSM play? What significance does your attire have to you?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 7, 2012 by

Me: Ooh…today’s blog prompt is about clothing!
Garnet: Have fun writing your book! :p

That is a conversation that just happened.

Because seriously, clothes are so important.  Not just clothes, but costume.  Like, as far as I’m concerned, once you get into the realm of attire with significance, you have entered the realm of costume.  And costuming is really, really important to me.

So the short answer to the first part of this question is “However Garnet wants me to dress.”  Her dressing me is a really big kink of mine, whether it means her picking out my outfit or her actually, literally putting the clothes on my body (mostly meaning her lacing my corset).  I also love that she once dressed me for a (non-kink) event, and some random stranger struck up a conversation, asked if they could take our picture, and said that I “look[ed] like a doll.”  She also picked out what I wore the day of our collaring ceremony, and (though I was naked during the actual collaring, which was also really significant) I will probably be thinking of the dress I wore as my collaring dress for a very long time.

But generally…costuming is important.  I like having a theme–who am I right now?  What do I want to project?  Am I innocent, slutty, scary?  Sometimes I like to be a 1930s movie starlet, sometimes (especially if Garnet is dressing me) I want to be a porcelain doll.  One of my favorite things about going to play parties for a long time was having an excuse to get dressed up all the time.  Playing with costumes is one of my favorite things, in almost any context.  I love the versatility, I love trying on different personae, I love finding ways to make all sorts of things hot.

More kink-specifically, I really really want to do more doll stuff with Garnet.  Also I need to get some fabric to make myself a maid’s uniform.  I have a pattern, even, I just need some fabric.  Ideally, I’ll eventually have several maid outfits.  No flimsy lingerie French-maid stuff, but I’d like a more traditional Victorian one and a frillier one with maybe a knee-length skirt and room for petticoats.  I should run that by Garnet, though…and we’ve also talked about a latex one.  And, of course, I’ve written before about how much I love corsetry…the tightness, the constriction, the control.  Generally, I like to have a I love frills and ruffles and lace and rhinestones and glitter and pearls–things that make me feel fancy and primped and very, very femme.

I love these things because I want to feel fancy and petted and treasured, and also because sometimes I want to mess them up and twist them and subvert them.  I would also love to find some cheap frilly stuff that Garnet can cut off of me, cut to ribbons, tie me down with my own pearls, make me cry so my make-up runs.

And, of course, one of my favorite ways to be dressed is naked except for my collar.

The 30 Days of Kink meme can be found here.

Today’s drawing.

30 Days of Kink – Day 27: Do your non-kink interests ever find their way into your kinky activities? If so, how?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 6, 2012 by

Sometimes I feel like I don’t really have any non-kink interests.  I am interested in things that excite me, and I feel like there’s not a ton of difference between intellectual excitement and…more physical excitement.  Like, I love costuming–I love getting dressed up, and making things for and dressing up others.  So I’m Garnet’s maid and personal seamstress (I get really excited, both creatively and sometimes sexually, when I get to plan and make costume pieces for her).  And also sometimes she dresses me up, and I’m her doll.  There’s not really a huge divide there.  And besides, I feel like half the fun of being a gigantic pervert is finding ways to incorporate everything that delights and amuses  you into your play if you want to.

For example, I will probably never forget last summer at the Floating World when the DJ put on the Doctor Who theme in the dungeon, and everyone there was laughing and cheering.  
I guess for some folks there are boundaries very carefully delineating the kinky parts of their lives and the (dear God I don’t want to say “normal”) non-kink parts.  And if that works for them, awesome!  Yay!  I even get that it could be really sexy to have a “secret” life.  But I really hate cordoning off parts of my life from other parts.  I’m pretty terrible at compartmentalizing things.  (Which is also, I suspect, one of the things that makes me terrible at poly.)  I like it when things flow together, and that seems to mean being a huge goofy nerd a lot of the time, when I’m not being a superserious and obedient submissive.  
So bring on the dinosaur play, and the forced showtunes, and the Harley Quinn/Batgirl scenes!  Ooh, also the Hufflepuff/Slytherin scenes.  Zombie movies count as fear play for me, so I will watch them with Garnet while cuddling.  I want to have fun and laugh and do silly, goofy shit.  Like I’ve heard lots of people say before, it’s called play for a reason.
And while I realize that not everyone is interested in this, and that not everyone’s outside interests are silly, goofy shit, this is one of my favorite things.  
The 30 Days of Kink meme can be found here.
Today’s drawing is here.

30 Days of Kink – Day 26: What’s your opinion on online BDSM play?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 5, 2012 by

I…don’t have that much of an opinion on this?

Like, I imagine the person or persons who wrote the question are thinking of, like, kneel in front of your keyboard, long-distance type stuff involving possibly a person you’ve never met in meatspace.  Which I don’t really have an opinion on.  Like, whatever, you do you.

I mean, I guess there are times where people get taken advantage of by, like, long-distance internet-only financial domination…but I also suspect that’s not limited to online financial domination.  And really, if financial domination is your kink, be careful, set limits, and don’t actually bankrupt yourself please.  Just like with any other kink.

I guess another kind of online BDSM is the sort of thing Garnet and I do sometimes.  We both wish we got to see each other more, and hopefully things will be different in the future, but for now a lot of our D/s is digital.  I mean, we have our shared Evernote account, which has my rules and masturbation schedule and stuff in it for easy reference, and she has daily tasks set up for me in Astrid Tasks.  And, of course, my punishment right now is to post my drawings online (oh hey, today’s drawing is here).  We do pretty well, I think, with the using technology to make D/s convenient.

Also the part where I’m blogging every day and doing this meme is a homework assignment she gave me.

But opinions?  I don’t really have opinions.  Like, I’m not going to be the sort who’s like “Online BDSM isn’t real and true like BDSM in real life!”  Whatever works for you, as long as it’s safe and consensual and it makes you happy.  Or the right kind of miserable.

The 30 Days of Kink meme can be found here.

30 Days of Kink – Day 25: How open are you about your kinks?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 4, 2012 by

Well, I don’t talk about them with my family, and I don’t talk about them with customers at work.

I try to check in before sharing, because I don’t want to freak someone out by being like “And then staples!  and needles!” or even “and then spanking!” because violating people’s boundaries, even by accident, really sucks.

But I’m pretty open.  Since I got my first collar last summer, I’ve worn a collar every day that I’ve had one (with a brief break for Thanksgiving.  Because family.)  When I got my new collar last month, some of my coworkers congratulated me, and one even asked for details about the ceremony.  Also, of course, there was the one time I went to a play party and someone who was sort of my boss at the time was also there.  And it was cool–we chatted in line out front, but kept out of each other’s way once we were inside.  Still, I don’t necessarily talk about really specific things at work unless someone asks me a really specific question.

Most of my friends know, too.  I mean, people I’ve known since middle school read this blog.  And I’ve mostly been pleasantly surprised by people’s reactions.  People are mostly pretty accepting if you give them the chance to be.  But then, I’ve always been pretty open about sex with my friends, even before I really had kinky sex to talk about.

I still kind of wish I could be more public…I wish I could be an all-the-time out and proud kink activist.  But maybe I’ll get there some day…

The 30 Days of Kink meme can be found here.


My drawing for today is here.

30 Days of Kink – Day 24: What qualities do you look for in a partner?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 3, 2012 by

At first I thought this seemed like a silly prompt.  So much of this meme is about relationships, and I feel like I must’ve covered this already.

I’m attracted to dominance.  I’m attracted to androgyny–I like dandies of any gender.  Communication is hugely important, and anyone I’m dating needs to be a good communicator and able to respect boundaries.  Also compatible kinks.  Every single little thing doesn’t have to be perfectly complementary (Garnet seriously just texted me “damn your sploshing limit” a second ago) but there does need to be a significant amount of overlap.  Compatible views on sex would be great, too.

But then I was thinking about other stuff…like how Mr. Nice (and this is one of the few times he didn’t live up to his pseudonym) never understood at all why I was so freaked out still about Dr. Asshole.  And really, this was only a little over a year since later.  I was still very freaked out.  But he honestly didn’t get that emotional abuse was really a thing.  I remember him asking me “What did he actually…do to you?”  So I think I really need to be with someone who gets how that works, even if they don’t necessarily have a firsthand understanding.

And all the kink and all the sex aside, even though those are enormous components of my life, there have to be other things in common, too.  I may have a pretty high sex drive, but sometimes I just want to sit on the couch and watch Doctor Who.  It would be nice to only date people who also want to watch Doctor Who, and not, say, football.  At least some of the time.

Also, there’s this…emotional thing that I seem to have.  Still undiagnosed, but I don’t think I can really pretend it’s not there anymore.  I think I need a partner who can understand what it’s like to have some sort of depression.  One of the most unpleasant exchanges I’ve had with a partner was when someone told me that they were exhausted from dealing with my depression, that it was making things too hard on them.  Garnet, however, has talked me through some of my roughest episodes lately without panicking or getting angry with me, which is utterly amazing.  She is the only person I’ve ever been with who was not confounded and upset by my emotions.

In fact, just to get incredibly sappy…Garnet meets all of these things almost perfectly.  Sure, not all of our kinks match up precisely (I’ll never be a switch, but she doesn’t want me to switch anyway) but in so many ways we’re almost improbably compatible.  And it seems like I fill a niche in her life, even if I can’t be her everything. I mean, no one ever can be everything for anyone, so I’m pretty thrilled we fit so well in the ways that we do.

The 30 Days of Kink meme can be found here.

And, of course, my drawing for today is here.

30 Days of Kink- Day 23: Since you first developed an interest in kink, have your interests/perspectives changed? How so?

Posted in Uncategorized on June 2, 2012 by

So much.

When I first developed an interest in kink, I thought I was pretty much straight.  I definitely thought I was heteroromantic, and could never imagine that I would ever in a million years be in any sort of queer relationship.  I have since realized that I am, in fact, primarily attracted to dominance, regardless of gender.  I also think androgyny is super hot…but that’s, like, a secondary factor.  It seems like I am mostly attracted to that dominant vibe that some people give off.

I also thought I would probably never go to any sort of public kinky event.  Or maybe just once, just to try it.  Which is pretty hilarious now, considering that there was a two year period during which my entire social life revolved around the BDSM scene here in New York.  It may do that again at some point, or at least involve people I met in the scene, since I’m trying to work on having a social life again.

(Edited to add:) Being in the kink scene has also completely changed my views on polyamory and open relationships.  When I was in high school, and I knew a few couples who had some sort of open arrangement, I was horrified.  Didn’t they know that was wrong? I eventually got over thinking all open relationships were somehow cheating, but I continued to think they were maybe not exactly right, and definitely doomed to failure.  But slowly, Roderick and I started doing stuff with other people.  We had a threesome with our amazing friend Tails, and it went smoothly and delightfully.  We started doing stuff with other people, and as long as we were honest about it and stuck to the boundaries we’d agreed upon.

And then, of course, there was Garnet.  And I fell in love with her, and I still loved Roderick.  I was always so doubtful that you could be in love with two people at once, but when it happened to me it was…so easy.  As easy as falling in love can be.  I’m still not the best at poly.  I am a sulky, pouty, jealous mess a lot of the time.  But now that I’ve been there, I have a much better understanding of how it works.  And things are usually really good between me and Garnet and her other partners.  Usually.  Almost always, in fact.

Also, unsurprisingly, a lot of things that were super scary to me in the beginning are fairly ordinary now.  I used to not be able to look at needles ever without feeling queasy, and now I’ve been stuck all over like a pincushion.  It’s funny–a lot of things I started out terrified of are now things I very much enjoy.  I was also really scared of the idea of being fisted for a long time.  And there are lots of things now that I’m intrigued by that I would have been really squicked by a few years ago (sounding, piss play…all sorts of things).

I think the biggest shift really has been ideological.  Before I got into kink, I was only sort of vaguely feministy-ish.  Maybe.  But, as I’ve said in past posts, being interested in BDSM got me interested in sexual freedom issues, which brought me to feminism and all sorts of other social justice-y issues.  It’s not exactly something I’m proud of, but things like that were completely off my radar before I started to feel like I needed to be able to defend these desires I had in a reasonable, articulate way.

I also feel like my perspective on other people’s kinks has shifted immensely.  I used to kind of think a lot of things were intrinsically icky, or across-the-board weird.  I mean, a lot of that was also tied up in worry about being judged for my own proclivities–all my friends laughed about tentacle porn in high school, but God forbid you admit you were turned on by it.  I used to read Something Positive and laugh at the strips about furries and pony play and cry out for brain bleach when stumbling across certain kinds of porn.  Now, while I certainly still have limits and squicks and things I’ll just never be into, I hate when someone yucks someone else’s yum.  If you can do your kink safely and consensually and ethically, rock the fuck on!  Making fun of other people’s kinks just because they’re “weird” or “silly” is pretty shitty.

Also, now when I stumble across My Little Pony porn, instead of going “Ah!  My childhood!  My eyes!  Oh noes!”  I just get slightly disappointed if it’s not a pairing I’m particularly partial to.

I kind of think that being kinky has maybe made me a better, more tolerant person.  And also a person who’s more curious about what it feels like to be peed on.

The 30 Days of Kink meme can be found here.

Also, my drawing for today can be found here.