Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

Archive for May, 2012

30 Days of Kink – Day 14: How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink?

Posted in Uncategorized on May 18, 2012 by

The full prompt is “How would you say real life BDSM/kink varies from fantasy BDSM/kink? If you haven’t experienced real life BDSM/kink how do you think it might differ?”

This is actually something that I find fascinating.  It’s part of what the “practical submission” tag is about.  Because fantasies are amazing and intense and often really, really awesome, but as someone who has fantasies that cannot be safely or legally (or realistically) realized, it’s really interesting to consider the divide between fantasy and reality.  I’m also really interested in trying to figure out ways to make really impractical fantasies…well…not exactly come true, but try to get the feeling of them in a way that doesn’t actually result in anyone being permanently injured or killed.

But on the most basic level, and even in the simplest tasks, there is a huge divide between fantasy and reality.  In fantasies (and in a lot of porn), it’s easy to be endlessly turned on, to go completely beyond physical limitations, and to be incredibly patient.  For example, in a lot of my fantasies I am a complete and utter pain slut and heavy masochist.  I want to take all the pain ever, and sometimes fantasize about incredibly intense scenes that I know in real life I would safeword out of almost immediately.

In fantasies and in porn, everyone is wildly turned on and/or in subspace all the time.  It kind of reminds me how, when I was 14 and had an orgasm for the first time (and had no idea it was an orgasm, it was just this really, really good feeling) I thought maybe PIV sex (which I thought was the only real, valid kind of sex) would just feel like that the entire time it was going on.  Before I’d done anything servicey, I thought I’d be incredibly turned on and blissed out the entire time.  It was kind of a rude awakening when I actually just felt kind of cranky about having to do the dishes.

I do kind of wish that the gap between fantasy and reality were talked about more.  I feel like it’s easy to end up feeling like a failure, or to write off something you could maybe enjoy (like I did with service for a while) because it wasn’t exactly like you imagined it would be.  Stuff happens.  People have limits and limitations.  and that’s okay.  It doesn’t make the fantasy less hot or the reality less awesome, it just makes them really different from each other.  And that’s generally an okay thing.

30 Days of Kink – Day 13: Explain as best you can what the appeal of kink/BDSM is to you? Why are you drawn to what you’re drawn to?

Posted in Uncategorized on May 17, 2012 by
Of course, there’s also this post from my old blog.  I shall be super obnoxious and quote myself a little:

Have you ever looked at the Lives of the Saints? My mom was really into saints when I was growing up, and I read a lot of the entries in her Lives of the Saints book when I was choosing a confirmation name. And the saints are all about suffering. When you do a search for the word “suffering” on the site I linked to, you get 124 matches. There’s St. Alice, who suffered greatly (though leprosy isn’t very sexy) and was known for visions and ecstacies. St. Rita, who prayed to suffer like Jesus and spent her days praying, fasting, and doing penance. The whole concept behind stigmata is that of ecstatic suffering as a show of devotion to God, and there are countless other saints and martyrs who were tortured and murdered for their faith, proving their unwavering devotion…

…I went to church with my family on Christmas, and before communion, when everyone said “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you but only say the word and I shall be healed,” it struck a chord with my submissive little self. I thought “That’s beautiful.” And the idea of redemption through suffering, an idea I learned in church and Religion and Theology classes, is kind of an idea that I took with me into relationships.

 It is one of the main things I think I learned in many, many years of Catholic school–love and devotion mean pain and suffering.  And not just pain and suffering, but sweet, peaceful, ecstatic pain and suffering.  You suffer for the one you love, you suffer to be redeemed for your sins, you suffer in order to be forgiven, and (ideally) you do it without complaint and you feel better when you come out the other side.

I also think a lot of this is because of how utterly fucking terrified I was of sex as a kid.  It was fascinating, in the way things are fascinating when they’re forbidden, but also really, really scary.  Like, I remember feeling nauseous with fear and putting books down because of a sex scene when I was 10 or 11 or 12.  Sex was so completely forbidden, and for so long it had been this incredibly mysterious thing that no one would even explain it to me.  All my curiosity about it was shut down, over and over and over.  And I was usually scolded for asking, in the most embarrassing way possible.  Sex was clearly really, really filthy and shameful and bad.

So I ended up with this deep-down shame about sex being really shameful and really bad…you know, the filthy, nasty, dirty, shameful thing you save for the one person you truly love.  And how do you prove you truly love someone, and make up for the bad things you do?  By hurting.  By suffering for that person.  I mean, it’s not that hard to put this stuff together and come out kinky.

Throw those two basic things together with an obsession with vampires (which were kind of a safe way to be curious about sex for me) and several hundred too many viewings of the Rocky Horror Picture Show (from whence I draw my maid and henchperson desires, as well as my brother/sister incest fetish) and twist it all up with years and years of feeling inadequately pretty and feminine, and…well…you apparently get a queer submissive femme who’s into blood play and service.

The 30 days of kink meme can be found here.

30 Days of Kink – Day 12: Tell us about a humorous BDSM/kink experience you’ve had. If you haven’t had one, talk about aspects of kink/BDSM you find funny.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 16, 2012 by

I am kind of a zombie of tiredness because of work today, but I will try to do this.  The problem is picking just one humorous experience.

See, the thing about probably 90% of the kinksters I know personally is that they are silly motherfuckers.  So it’s not like humorous experiences are remotely uncommon.  I would also say that a lot of the most delightfully twisted sadism is also really funny.

But then also maybe my sense of humor is a little twisted…for example, I thought it was (in retrospect) hilarious that Garnet once had me bob for apples at a Halloween party by repeatedly pushing my face into the bucket.

Also hilarious was the time someone I played with at a party hooked up my thighs and bits to a TENS unit, put it in sound-responsive mode, then sang songs from one of my favorite Broadway shows into the microphone.

It was really hilarious that time when I was tipsy and Garnet got me all hot and bothered then ordered me to make her a grilled cheese sandwich.

And these are just things that have happened to me personally that I can think of off the top of my head.  For scenes I’ve witnessed or heard about?  I would say that at least as many of them were funny in some way as were uberserious.  Funny scenes can still be really scary and intense.  Not everything needs to be super serious all the time to be hot and/or exciting.

30 Days of Kink – Day 11: What are your views on the ethics of kink?

Posted in Uncategorized on May 15, 2012 by

Okay…took a little break from writing because Garnet whisked me off on a romantic week-end to celebrate our one year anniversary, but now I’m back, so it’s back to work!

I…kind of only sort of understand the question in today’s prompt.  Like, I get that this could maybe be a concern, but as long as it’s consensual–that is, as long as all parties involved have given good consent and are aware of possible risks, and any and all necessary safety precautions are in place–I mean, what else is there to debate the ethics of?

I understand that there are people out there who would argue that kink is unfeminist, anti-equality, or Just Plain Wrong, but I am in a place right now where I kind of can’t even remember what about those arguments makes sense.  I mean, it’s true that there is a lot of bad stuff out there, and plenty of bad people doing bad stuff, but in my mind, those people are doing kink wrong.  (I know, I’m such a One Twue Way-er.)  Yes, it pisses me off that there are people who are out there insisting that the teachings of Gor are completely correct in the real world and that all women are secretly submissive, but it also pisses me off that there are people out there who espouse Pick Up Artistry.  Just because there are people out there who use the words “girl” and “submissive” interchangeably all the time doesn’t make all kink inherently evil and misogynist, just like the fact that Tucker Max exists doesn’t make all vanilla sex inherently misogynist.  It just means that those specific people are misogynist.

I wasn’t even really that feminist before I got into BDSM.  I was one of those girls who said things like “I mean, sure I want equality for women and everything, but I’m not a feminazi…” and then told horrible unfunny sexist jokes for shock value.  It was only through examining my kinky desires, trying to figure out what they meant about me/how to do these things ethically and not abusively, that I really came to feminism and, eventually, intersectionality.  Like, it was a porny online novel with lots of BDSM themes that got me thinking critically about issues of racism and cissexism.

So I don’t believe that BDSM is inherently bad or evil or oppressive.  It’s all about intent.  If the intent of the people doing it is bad or evil or oppressive, it makes their actions that way, too, but isn’t that true of almost anything?

And I know that there are people out there who think non-mainstream desires by themselves are just wrong.  And I hate that.  Not the people themselves (well, some of the people), but that there is so much shame and stigma tied to this.

It reminds me of Mr. Nice, my college boyfriend.  Mr. Nice honestly believed that if you felt guilty about something (like, say, orgasms outside of marriage), that you should stop doing that something.  No questions asked, nothing examined, just stop any sort of sexual contact or masturbation unless you’re married.  So we never had PIV sex, and eventually we stopped having any kind of sexual contact, because of this guilt he felt for…no apparent reason other than societal conditioning.  He was constantly struggling with wanting to do things and denying himself because he’d been told somewhere along the way that it was dirty and wrong.
It actually kind of breaks my heart when people are so ashamed and so scared that they miss out on something so potentially wonderful.  And a lot of kinky stuff has way more shame and stigma attached to it than vanilla sex, though there is still plenty attached to vanilla sex.

Sex (if you want to have it) is awesome.  BDSM (if you want to engage in it) is awesome.  If you engage in either of these things (or anything, really) with consent and awareness, there is nothing unethical about them.  But like I said, I think that’s true of pretty much anything.

The 30 Days of Kink meme can be found here.

30 Days of Kink – Day 10: What are your hard limits??

Posted in Uncategorized on May 11, 2012 by

Hard limits…I’ve got those…I have the ones that it seems like everybody has–no kids, no animals, no poop.  Please don’t actually kill me, even though I eroticize my fear of death.

And then there are the ones that are more personal.  And, well, for me at least…some hard limits are harder than others…
No sploshing.  Sploshing really squicks me out for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I cannot stand the sensation things (like foodstuffs or clay or paint) drying on my skin.  There are other factors, but that’s a big one.  I’m pretty intensely uncomfortable with the idea of including any sort of food in sex.  The only exceptions are that I have told Garnet I would maybe lick frosting off of her some day.  Also I will snack post sex, and have suggested that tentacle sex followed by eating crab rangoon would be a hilarious (and awesome) combination of things to do.
No bugs.  And especially no spiders or centipedes.  And ESPECIALLY no house centipedes ever, under any circumstances.  Ever.  They are one of my biggest phobias.  I can’t see one without flipping my shit completely. I would have some sort of screaming fit of a breakdown if one ever touched me.  House centipedes are creepy fuckers.  Everyone I know thinks they’re super creepy.  I have this feeling of…complete repulsion towards them.  the only other thing I’m even sort of afraid of in the same way are black widow spiders, and a) those are pretty rare around here and b) those bitches can really fuck you up with their hemotoxic venom.  
There are other things I don’t like.  I hate being tickled, for example, but it’s a soft limit and there are certain people who I don’t completely hate being tickled by.
Huh.  I thought I had more hard limits than that.

30 Days of Kink – Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 10, 2012 by
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9uWwvQKGjLI]

So this was a tricky one, because I have made entire mix CDs on this topic.  Should I do an Adam and the Ants song?  I did once have that crazy dream in college that an older woman was keeping me as her live-in submissive and I kept hearing “Whip in my Valise” over and over.  Or Voltaire?  Or Tom Lehrer’s “Masochism Tango”?

But then, all of a sudden, I remembered being 12 or 13 and randomly channel surfing onto MTV and seeing the video for “Ava Adore.”  I had heard the song on the radio, and I liked it, but the video…to my little baby-bat, almost-goth self, was a huge deal.  (I also totally remember that late 90s goth makeup moment that Billy Corgan and D’Arcy are rocking here, with a big smudgy black-eye look and a neutral or shiny lipstick.)  I was completely floored.  Like, I had an intense visceral reaction.  And I actually never saw the video again until a few weeks ago when someone I follow on twitter linked to it.  But it stuck with me, and I would always hope I would catch it again.

So of course I bought the CD.  And this was one of the late 90s songs my parents had A Serious Talk with me about (the other one being Garbage’s “#1 Crush”), mostly because of the lyric about “I’ll pull your crooked teeth/You’ll be perfect just like me…”  My mother somehow picked out that lyric and said “That doesn’t sound very healthy.”  And I, like any 13 year old, rolled my eyes and sighed and said “I know, mom.”

But seriously…let’s think about these lyrics “It’s you that I adore/You’ll always be my whore…” and that one about the teeth-pulling and the perfection.  Even when I was 13, I had FEELINGS about those lyrics. I did not understand even a tiny bit what any of it meant, but fuck did I want it.  And now?  Can we talk about the buttons this clearly pushes for me?  The pain, the body-modification-to-achieve-perfection, being a beloved whore and (it’s implied by other lyrics) servant?  Throw in fisting, foot rubs, and sex toys and that’s basically this blog.

Also, hilariously, the second set there?  The red fancy party room?  I’ve totally been to kinky parties in places that look like that set.  Actually, all the different sets/scenes in this video look like a combination of party venues I’ve been in and the sets of Sleep No More.  Fuck, I don’t even really like Smashing Pumpkins anymore, but I love this song and this video a ridiculous amount.

The 30 Days of Kink Meme can be found here.

30 Days of Kink – Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 9, 2012 by

So since today’s prompt involves posting a picture, and I totally don’t just want to steal some picture, I’m posting something I drew.  I think I’ve mentioned before that drawing every day is one of my rules?  So here’s a little self-portraity sketch of me kneeling very obediently while wearing a corset, cuffs, and collar.  The three Cs of hotness.  Please excuse the crappy camera-phone picture of the drawing.  Roderick got the scanner in the break-up.

I like the idea of waiting patiently, agonizingly, for Garnet.  Possibly because it’s something I’m really terrible at  normally?  Often, I have to keep occupied most of the time or I get anxious and worry.  But in waiting, holding a position, there’s a certain stillness that I can sometimes reach.  Sometimes.  It is peaceful and exciting all at once.

Also, if you really want to see rather a lot of pictures that I find erotic, you should really be looking at my tumblr.  I mean, isn’t that what tumblr is for?

The 30 days of kink meme can be found here.  

30 Days of Kink – Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Posted in Uncategorized on May 8, 2012 by

Seriously?  This is such a hard question for me…jeez.  That’s like asking what my favorite John Waters movie is, or my favorite era of costume history.  I have a completely impossible time picking just one.

Also, because it’s the 30 days of kink meme, I feel like I should post about some kind of super-awesome kinky impact toy.  It should be a fancy cane or one of those paddles that looks like a rug beater or something, right?  Well…I actually haven’t had that many impact toys used on my lately.  Or really very many owie things of any kind.

My favorite toy to use with Garnet right now is unquestionably the Fun Factory Share I have her for Valentine’s Day.  I wanted to get her a really good double dil, and she really likes it, and I loooove it.  Seriously.  The receiving end doesn’t look very curved until you see someone wearing it, but in use, it is such a good g-spot toy for me.  I also just really like the idea of it, that it’s a toy that stimulates both of us at once while being nothing like, y’know, one of those awful floppy jelly rubber double dongs.

On my own, I really love my Pure Wand.  I mean, I think I’ll probably always need external stimulation to come, but the yummy, yummy weight of the Pure Wand makes orgasms deeper and more intense and more…repetitive.  Before I owned one of these, I thought I had a completely non-responsive g-spot and that I would never have multiple orgasms.  With it, I have multiple orgasms by accident.  Like, oops, I was only supposed to have one orgasm but I couldn’t stop and I accidentally had three (#submissivegirlproblems).  They are so effortless they happen by mistake.

For vibration…fuck.  It’s also really hard to pick just one vibrator.  I love my Hitachi Magic Wand.  It is strong and powerful and makes amazing things happen, especially when used in conjunction with a toy like the two named above.  Hitachi + g-spot stimulation = ALL THE ORGASMS for me.  I also really love my Form 2, because it is tiny and strong and waterproof.  It has a travel lock, so I can throw it in my bag and it won’t turn on on the subway.  It also gets in the way less during sex with a partner.  And the strong buzzy vibration (I like buzzy vibration, I think, as long as it is also strong) feels very different from most of my other small toys.

In case you can’t tell, I have kind of a lot of sex toys.

I also really love my Ryder plug, and, for that matter, my Bootie plug.  And, of course, the Randy deserves a mention for being so huge and yummy.  I also really like my pretty little nipple clamps that have beads and pearls instead of a chain (which I sadly have only used by myself so far) and my silver leather Jaguar harness (which is so pretty I’m a little afraid to actually use it).

I think that’s maybe all my favorites?  I hope I didn’t leave anything out…

The 30 Days of Kink meme can be found here.

30 Days of Kink – Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Posted in Uncategorized on May 7, 2012 by

So I’ve talked extensively about my ridiculous feelings and opinions about Anne Rice.  I’ve mentioned, just in passing, that I find the idea of cannibalism hot.  I’ve even talked about the Catholicism thing.

But is that enough for the 30 days meme?  No!  The 30 days meme will not rest until I’ve told you all about my weirdest fantasy.

Well, damn.  I have to pick just one?

So y’all know I’m into vampires.  And y’all know I find tentacles hot.  But let’s talk about that thing I mentioned the other day, the thing where I’m turned on by death imagery and the idea of death.  Like I said, I am completely fucking terrified of dying.  Like, we were talking at  work about how obnoxious food-police type people will act like they’re never going to die because their vegan or eat only raw food or something like that, and I said “I’ve got news for them, everyone’s going to die!  Even them!  Everyone except me…I’m coming back as a vampire.”

Seriously.  I am in denial about the inevitability of death.

And so I have this fantasy…that sort of plays with that.  It is maybe more than a little fucked up, so if you think you will find it off-putting you should probably stop reading now.

In this fantasy, I am Garnet’s maid and she is a mad scientist.  Did I mention I have a thing for mad science?  But anyway…sometimes the setting is more steampunk, sometimes it’s more 30s horror movie-esque (would that make it dieselpunk?)…I’m her maid, I’m imperfect, human, all that stuff.  I make mistakes.  But I desperately want to improve.  So she decides to put all her mad science skills into stopping my fuckups and creating the perfect servant.

I imagine there would be several experiments before the…well…final one.  Can she fix me?  Can she create a maid/fuck toy whose only desire is to serve and obey?  She keeps trying, with different methods of behavioral modification, but it’s just not enough.  There are improvements, but she wants perfection and I am woefully imperfect, even after all this work.  Her raw material (i.e., me) is just already too damaged.  She needs to start over.

So she kills me.  And then, she can fix everything.  My brain is wiped clean, ready to start over.  She can basically program me to do exactly what she wants and nothing more or less.  She can alter my body, too, however she wants…bigger tits, smaller waist, constantly wet cunt ready to be fucked whenever she wants, increased pain tolerance…fingernails that don’t break…anything.  I also tend to imagine she’d sew my mouth shut, so that I can’t say stupid shit.

(And I’m not saying that the actual real life Garnet isn’t happy with the actual real life me just the way I am…just that the idea of her being able to change and perfect and alter my body to make it better is really, incredibly hot to me.)

And when the alterations are done, she reanimates me.  And it worked, and I am the perfect little undead maid, and everything is delightful forever.

30 Days of Kink, Day 5 – What was your first kinky sexual experience?

Posted in Uncategorized on May 6, 2012 by

So today’s prompt is “What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.”

Is it bad that I kind of can’t remember?
I mean, again, I would argue that it depends on what you mean by “kinky” and it depends on what you mean by “first.”  My first knowingly kinky experience was definitely with Roderick, but for the life of me I cannot remember the specifics of what actually happened.  (It also doesn’t help that I’m in kind of a weird place about fondly remembering things that happened between Roderick and me.)
I remember the first time he spanked me.  It was in his car, after our first real date-date.  We had gone to see a movie and then gone to dinner.  Afterwords, we fooled around in his car and he pulled up my skirt and pulled down my tights and spanked me.  He asked me if he could first, of course, and I said yes.  It was very exciting.  I’d never done anything quite like that before.  I also feel like it must’ve been kind of intense, because the next day I had little red spots on my ass from burst blood vessels.
Before that?  My first unknowingly kinky sexual experience?  Well, outdoor sex, semi-public sex…that’s a huge kink of mine.  
I had my first orgasm that I actually knew was an orgasm outside.  I had my first orgasm that I didn’t know was an orgasm outside, too.
That’s actually one of my huge problems with a lot of things people say about orgasms.  ”You’ll know when you have one.”  Well, I certainly didn’t know.  I didn’t know at all.  I was having orgasms for close to a year, but I had no goddamn idea until I read some actually rather creepy erotica that described what an orgasm actually felt like.  Before that, all anyone would tell me was that I’d know it when I felt it.
But I digress.
The first time I actually knew I had an orgasm, it was outside, in a park.  Not a well-manicured, open park, but a very wooded one, with nature trails.  It was the day after prom, and Dr. Asshole and I went to this park and walked a ways off the trail.  Still, we could hear when other people passed nearby, even if we couldn’t see them and they couldn’t see us,  and for whatever reason I found that super hot.  And despite the usual complete lack of foreplay, being outside was kind of thrilling and I was really quite turned on and, well, I came.  Unmistakably.  Afterwords, my legs were shaking so badly that I had trouble getting back to the trail.
Ick.  Vaguely fond memories of Dr. Asshole are even more uncomfortable than fond memories of Roderick.
It’s hard to write about first experiences when the first person you did many things with also abused you for two and a half years.  Sorry to end this post on such a down note.
The 30 Days of Kink meme can be found here.