Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

30 Days of Kink – Day 17: “What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?”

Oh my God so many things.

How kinky folks are portrayed in pop culture is kind of a huge pet peeve of mine.

I hate things that portray kinksters as murderers, as dangerous, as just a short leap away from nonconsensual rape/torture/etc.  Not only is it unfair, and not only does it contribute to the stigmas against BDSM, but I personally believe that all those episodes of Law & Order and CSI and whathaveyou where kinksters are dangerous are part of the reason actual abuse in the scene gets swept under the rug so often–when everyone in the scene is working so hard to prove that we’re not all evil, the actual evil things that are happening don’t get talked about or acknowledged.

I also hate things that portray kinky people as being damaged and in need of fixing or redemption.  Some of us (myself included) have screwy pasts (though I also feel like I should mention that lots of submissives I know who have been in abusive relationships are pretty sure they were submissive before their abusive relationship–a lot of us got into bad situations because we didn’t know how to get what we were looking for safely, we aren’t submissive because we were abused), but a lot of us don’t.  I know people who identify as all different flavors of kinky who have all different kinds of pasts.  Just like I know plenty of vanilla folks who’ve had rough pasts.  And as for needing to be redeemed?  I just…what even is that?  I honestly can’t even wrap my head around the idea that it would be possible or desirable to fix someone’s kinks.  Like…”I love you so much that it has changed you, now let’s never have that awesome kind of sex we were both actually enjoying again.”  Just…what?  What even is that?

I’m also kind of tired of the old “submissives are the ones who really have the power” thing.  Not that I don’t believe in safe words and limits, I am all about safe words and limits and massive amounts of negotiation.  But I think that phrase that gets trotted out is a massive over simplification and can even be used in a really victim-blamey way in some situations.  Also, on a way less important and serious note, it fucks up my headspace.  I don’t want all the power.

I also wish, though I admit that D/s is a thing that I am hugely into, that other aspects of BDSM got more attention.  Like…not everyone does D/s, y’know?  There are lots of other ways in which people are kinky, and lots of other things people do…but some much of what appears in pop culture is this very specific type of dominant/submissive dynamic where no one ever switches and everything is serious business all the time and no one ever looks like they’re having fun.  That’s nothing like anyone I know in the scene.

There should be an episode of CSI or something where a bunch of nerdy damn kinksters are, like, LARPing in the woods and stumble upon a body.  And it has nothing to do with any of them, or the fact that they’re kinky or LARPers.  They just coincidentally found the body.  That would be something I’d watch.

The 30 days of kink meme can be found here.

2 Responses to “30 Days of Kink – Day 17: “What misconception about kinky people would you most like to clear up?””

  1.   Garnet Says:

    Thinking about me in that last paragraph? <3

  2.   Artemisia Absinthium Says:

    Might've been ;)

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