Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

30 Days of Kink – Day 16: “What are the most difficult aspects of having a sexuality that involves kink or BDSM for you personally?”

Let me start out this post by saying how incredibly lucky I am.  I am in an amazing relationship with someone who shares almost all of my kinks, I am able to be out to most of my friends, and, amazingly, to be out at work with absolutely no danger of losing my job because I’m kinky or there’s the odd semi-clothed picture of me floating around the internet.  Like, several of my coworkers have congratulated me on my new collar and one even teared up a bit as she did so.

…but I’m not able to be out to my family.  And that is kind of tough.  Like, it’s as much because of their boundaries (I’m pretty sure it would make my parents incredibly uncomfortable) as because of my fear of how they’d react…but it kind of sucks.  And I know, I know…all the arguments about how I wouldn’t want to hear about what my parents do in the bedroom, so why should they have to hear about my kinks…and that makes a fair amount of sense.  It really does.  Except that Garnet has this amazing relationship with her parents, where she’s able to tell them most everything, and when she told her mom she was planning on collaring me, her mom cried because she was happy for us.  I’m a little jealous of that.  Though my mother is terrible at handling big emotional situations, so even if it weren’t about kink I’d be dissatisfied with my relationship with her…so yeah.

The other side of that, apart from the personal, I-have-issues-with-my-parents part, is that I wish I could be way more public about this stuff.  I would like to be able to have my real name attached to stuff, to be able to be way more public and vocal about sexuality and kink, because I think it’s important to talk about this stuff and normalize it and de-stigmatize it, and I kind of hate that I feel like I can’t do that.

And lastly, of course (and probably least important, considering how blissfully happy I am with my relationship with Garnet), it does make it slightly trickier to find a compatible partner.  I loved Roderick so much, and when we started dating, it was like “Oh, hey, we both have kind of high-ish sex drives and are kinky?  Awesome!”  I don’t think it occured to either of us that we could both be kinky and still have incompatible desires.  But I spent hours and hours mentally beating myself up for not being a switch and able to top him the way he wanted me to, and he was profoundly disinterested in the type of very rules-based D/s that flips my switches.  And that’s with a kinky partner.  That doesn’t even touch on how weird and awkward and unfulfilling it was to be with mostly vanilla guys.  And I’m lucky that most of my kinks are not super uncommon ones–lots of folks have desires that are way more difficult to fulfill than mine.

So there are a few things here and there…but mostly I am really, really lucky.

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