Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

Archive for February, 2012

Little Things (content note: sex and questionable consent)

Posted in Uncategorized on February 15, 2012 by

I’m pretty sure I got drugged at a party once.  Someone I thought was my friend offered to buy me a drink, and I politely declined, saying that I didn’t like to drink and play.  He offered a taste of his, and I took several sips, drank maybe about a quarter of a glass of wine in total?  The rest of the night was kind of a euphoric blur, much more so than a third of a glass of wine should have made it.  I was giggly and compliant and my pain tolerance was way higher than usual.  I found out later that a friend of mine was drugged the same night.  But still, I’m only pretty sure.  And even if I was certain, what would I do about it?

And then there was the time, at another party, I thought that guy was asking if he could use toys on me, maybe do some impact play, but when I said yes he started fingering me really aggressively.  He eventually paused and looked up and asked “Is this okay?” but I was naked in his lap with his fingers in me and I didn’t really know if it was okay or not, but it was already happening so I figured it had better be okay, so I said “yes.”  I mean, that was an uncomfortable situation, and I don’t like to think about it very much, but I did say yes.

There was the person who randomly initiated scenes with no prior negotiation and no established D/s dynamic, which freaked me out so badly I had a mild panic attack.  But when I talked to them about it, I ended up feeling like a huge asshole for being uncomfortable and talking about it, and I was so painfully new to all this that I had no idea how to even express all the discomfort I was feeling and why.  I kind of ended up feeling like my feelings were all my fault for not being able to roll with the punches.

There were the times I had sex when I really didn’t want to, or found myself in a situation where I had to re-negotiate in the middle of something and said “yes” to things that I wasn’t sure about which made me feel awful when they actually happened but I didn’t think I could say “stop.”

I didn’t really want to write about this.  I don’t really want to post it, and I don’t want to re-read it or think about these things again.  But I kind of can’t stop thinking about some of them (though others I’ve buried so successfully that I refuse to think about them enough to write about them at all) and I don’t know what to do with them other than put them here.

But none of them are really that bad, right?  They’re all little things.  They’re not at all like that time I got groped by a stranger on the bus.  That’s what I keep thinking.  All of these could have been so much worse, and some of them were really kind of my fault.  And I’m really good at saying “no” and setting boundaries now, at least within my relationship.

Yeah…I don’t know.

Still learning…

Posted in Uncategorized on February 5, 2012 by

I was at work the other day, bopping around the store to the Smiths Pandora station, when the song “Ask” came on.  Have you ever had a moment where you suddenly heard the lyrics to a particular song with astonishing clarity and realized that they were incredibly relevant to your life?  Well, I had one of those moments.  And it’s weird when a Smiths song seems incredibly relevant to your sex life.

But let’s take a look at these lyrics:

Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You’d like to

So, if there’s something you’d like to try
If there’s something you’d like to try
Ask me–I won’t say “no”–how could I?


In other words, I’m still having trouble asking for sex.  I think I really hit a new low last week-end, as Garnet and I were hanging out watching a movie.  She was, in fact, sitting next to me on the couch when I sent her a text message asking if we could maybe have sex.  Y’know, if it wasn’t too much trouble.  
At the time, it seemed like it might be kind of cute.  What took it out of the realm of cute and into being completely absurd is the fact that I get basically no cell service at Garnet’s house.  So I had to get up and move to get the text to send.  Of course she laughed at me and rolled her eyes when she got the text.  When the movie was over she asked “Is there some specific sexy thing you want to do or did you just want attention?”  I told her I wanted to try out one of the new dildos I’d given her for Christmas.
We went upstairs.  We started out talking about positions, but Garnet’s stomach was hurting a bit and she decided I should be on top.  ”But won’t my being on top completely ruin our D/s power dynamic forever?” I asked, teasing her.
“Pfft,” she replied, “making you do all the work by riding me?  That’s Lazy Domming 101.”
Joking aside, I’m so very glad we ended up in that position.  She put on the cock, which is long and thick, and I tried to see how much of it I could get in my mouth.  Not very much before I gagged, it turned out.  She laid down, and I pulled off my underpants and straddled her, rubbing myself on her cock for a moment before I tried to take it.  I got it in a tiny bit before I had to stop and grab the lube, but once I had pushed her cock all the way inside me it felt wonderful.
I ground myself against her and rode her cock, and I felt really deliciously sexy as I did.  It was also really exciting how much she could touch me in that position.  She pulled me forward and kissed me and bit my breasts, and then pushed me back so she could see me and rub at my clit.  Eventually she grabbed my vibrator and held it against me as I pushed her cock inside me.  I asked if I could hold the vibe, and she switched to pinching my thigh, which still had bruises on it from the last time we saw each other.
It’s funny…I used to find pain distracting during sex.  My headspace for pain and my headspace for sex used to be miles apart.  But as Garnet pinched my thigh I felt myself getting closer to orgasm.  Not only that, but I was hoping she would keep hurting me as I came.  She started punching my other thigh.  I asked if I could come.  ”Not yet,” she said as she punched me again.  She kept punching, and eventually gave me permission and I let myself go over the edge and come as she kept hurting me.
Afterwords we lay in bed, and we talked about my text message nonsense, and about how I’m afraid of her fucking me out of obligation rather than want.  She reassured me that it would never happen, and told me once again that I just need to ask.  Then she ran her hands over me and told me how much she liked my body.
I still need to work on asking for things.  
On a somewhat related note, Garnet has a blog of her own.  It’s called, of course, Cupcakes and Fisting, and y’all should check it out.