Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

Checking In

One of Garnet’s rules for me, when she first assigned me rules a few weeks ago, is to ask for permission to go to things apart from work and running errands and to check in with her via text message when I’m out and about–to text when I’m leaving the apartment, and when I get to where I’m going, and do the same on my way home.

When I first saw this rule, I was vaguely terrified.  Dr. Asshole, when we were together, didn’t like for me to go out without him.  If he couldn’t go out to a concert or the movies with our friends, he wanted me to stay home so he wouldn’t feel left out.  I stopped going out.  It wasn’t worth the guilt trip.  My friends got tired of never seeing me, and they stopped inviting me places, stopped hanging out with me.  By the end, he didn’t even want me to go anywhere with my parents, and I started faking sick, claiming I had a headache whenever my parents wanted to go out as a family.  This is one of the things abusers do–they isolate you from your support system.

I told Garnet I was worried about this rule.  I thought it would be weird for me, that I would end up staying home all the time for fear that I would ask to go out and be told no.  She explained that it’s not really about her controlling when I go out or who I see, but more about getting me used to asking permission for things.  She assured me that she won’t say no arbitrarily–a no would be a punishment.  I don’t have to ask permission for family stuff, either.

And the checking in?  The other thing I was worried would feel stifling?  It’s actually been a huge comfort to me, especially this past week when I’ve been in the apartment on my own.  It makes me feel cared for, like she’s looking out for me.  The routine of texting her to let her know where I am feels good and safe.

There’s this scared part of me that keeps expecting D/s to somehow resemble abuse.  There are people out there who call what they’re doing D/s when really it is thinly veiled abuse, but I am continuously thrilled by how much Garnet really is looking out for me.  While I may be giving up control in submitting to her, she’s not being controlling, and the difference is hugely tangible to me.  Dr. Asshole isolated me and cut me off and tore me down.  He used guilt and jealousy to keep me scared and off-balance, always worried I was going to do the wrong thing and upset him.  I could never do things right because if he admitted that I had, he would lose some of his power over me.  Garnet encourages me to work on things I want to get better at, to spend time with awesome people and learn from them, and to generally feel better about myself.  The rules and routines make me feel safe, even when I struggle with them.  When I do well, she tells me she loves me and is proud of me.

I sometimes am afraid that some twisted, messed up part of me is trying to recreate my abusive situation by pursuing D/s in relationships.  But when I actually look at this and break it all down, it’s so incredibly obvious that they are such different things.  If anything, I think there was a part of me that always wanted a D/s relationship, and I didn’t get out of the bad situation with Dr. Asshole sooner because I thought it was exciting and romantic at first.  I’m glad I now have the self-awareness to know what I really want, and to be in a relationship with someone as awesome as Garnet, who actually cares about me and wants good things for me.

Garnet has more rules worked out for me, and will hopefully be sending them to me soon.  I have a vague idea what some of them are, but I don’t know all the details yet.  All I really know for certain is that I’m excited to get started.  I want so badly to please her, and I can’t wait to get to work.

9 Responses to “Checking In”

  1.   ward.hegedus Says:

    Garnet sounds awesome. It sounds so comforting that she's providing you with the support that you need. I could never find solace in that but I love that it works for you.

  2.   Artemisia Absinthium Says:

    @ward – It's funny, because almost everyone I've talked to about this particular rule says the same thing–that it's not for them, but they're glad it works for us. I feel like if someone had asked me about it before I started doing that, I would've said the same thing…but it turns out it is totally for me, and does work for me really well. I never would've expected it.

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