Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

What I Learned at TFW

As I mentioned in my last post, Garnet, Roderick, and I spent this past week-end at The Floating World.  To quote from their site:

The Floating World is three full days of classes, workshops, and panel discussions, alongside a marketplace brimming with toys and clothes to excite and entice. At night, our playspace opens to its full capacity, including special events hosted by our diverse participating groups. In total, The Floating World is a space dedicated to the serious pursuit of understanding, identity, and pleasure — three elements that necessarily go hand in hand.

I had never been to a week-end long event like this before, so of course I was really excited.  And, of course, I learned a lot of unexpected things.  So here is a list of all the things I learned over the course of this event.

1.  I have a lot of really hard work to do, especially of the emotional variety.  This is the main thing I learned in the classes.  If I want to be a decent submissive and not a big mess (currently I am often a big, emotional mess) and be able to effectively serve Garnet, I need to really work on sorting out my motivation and my self-esteem issues.  I also need to seriously work on taking care of myself and breaking the last few bad habits left over from my relationship with Dr. Asshole.  No one wants to be in a relationship with a martyr (except maybe Dr. Asshole himself) and if I can’t manage my own life (by doing things like remembering to eat regularly) how can I possibly manage being trained by Garnet and taking on new things?

2.  I can’t fix it when other people are upset about things that have nothing to do with me.  Though honestly, this is one of those things I’m constantly re-learning.  I hate, hate, hate when people fight around me.  It’s one of the recurring themes of my life–my two childhood best friends fought constantly, my two best friends in high school were sisters, and so on and so forth.  I’ve always felt like it was my job to fix it, to distract everyone by being funny, to smooth things over.  When Roderick and Garnet aren’t getting along (which is sometimes a thing that happens) and it has nothing to do with me, I get really freaked out and upset that I can’t fix it!  I’m working on learning and dealing with the fact that I can’t do anything about it.

3.  I need to get better at packing.  I brought two pairs of shoes and two outfits I didn’t wear the entire time we were there, partly because I was rushing around/tired/the floor was concrete and I didn’t want to do my volunteer shift in heels.  So stuffing my obnoxious wheeled suitcase (wheeled suitcases are so impractical in New York City) full of everything I thought I might want to wear was a pretty awful idea.  My arms have only just stopped being sore from hauling around my stupid suitcase.

4.  Yoga is awesome!  I realize that I am, like, the last New Yorker who had never done yoga before, but I hadn’t.  And Garnet set my class schedule for the week-end and gave me the choice of going to either Yoga for Kinksters or Forced Exercise, and I picked yoga and it was amazing.  I felt awesome afterwords and now I want to do it all the time.

5.  Sometimes after really intense scenes, I cry.  The last few times this happened, I wasn’t sure if it was good or bad crying, and it kind of scared me.  After a scene I had with Garnet (which I will write about soon) I had such completely overwhelming positive feelings that I felt like I was going to cry forever.  And it was okay.

6.   I’m getting my social abilities back!  One of the weirder side effects of the problems Roderick and I have had this past year was my becoming painfully shy and awkward in social situations.  For months, I could barely go out and be around people, and when I did I felt awful and shy and couldn’t talk to people.  But lately, I’ve been more and more comfortable around people.  I still sometimes have a nervous habit of re-telling anecdotes I’ve told before, but I had that before the stuff with Roderick went down.  I may never get rid of that no matter how much it makes me cringe.  But at least I can actually talk to people again and feel somewhat pleasant and amusing.

So yeah…I got seriously so much out of the classes I took, and I’ve realized that this blog may actually become a lot more personal than I’d originally planned as I work on my emotional stuff, and on my relationships.  I have so far to go to be able to be the person I want to be, and while it may not be as interesting as what I’d originally thought this blog would be about, it may be what I actually need to write.

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