Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

Emotional Fallout

So Roderick cheated on me.

I don’t really want to go into detail, but he did something against the rules of our non-monogamous arrangement and then he lied to me about it.  Non-monogamy is not cheating-proof, but it also doesn’t mean that all open relationships are doomed to failure.

I’m not trying to cause drama or anything by saying this, just saying that it is a thing that happened.  If I wanted to cause drama I would have started talking about it absolutely everywhere as soon as it happened, but I didn’t because I didn’t want all our friends to hate him.  I’ve been avoiding talking about it for eight months now because I didn’t want to cause drama or make anyone hate him, but also because talking about it seemed impossible.  I only told a tiny handful of people, either because I’m especially close to them or I was drunk or both.

I think I’m mostly okay these days.  I eat and sleep on a fairly normal schedule, I go out of the apartment and do things on a semi-regular basis, I go entire weeks without crying.  But I still have good and bad days, and there’s still stuff that comes up for me sometimes, even eight months (several of which included therapy) later.  I’m only sad and angry some of the time, not all the time.  I no longer am so convinced that my body is repulsive that I can’t stand to even masturbate, and stay completely covered between the shower and getting dressed.  I even have my sex drive back!  It’s still a lot easier for me to hide in the apartment than go out, I’m still exhausted a lot of the time, I still struggle with keeping up with friendships instead of letting them all fall by the wayside.

Yesterday and today have been bad days.  Not like the bad days were back in November and December, when there were only bad days, but I’ve still been pretty annoyed and touchy and upset.  I want to be over this, I keep trying to rush being all okay again, but it doesn’t work that way and I’m not.  I’m jealous and moody and gross-feeling, and I’m getting really tired of having all these irrational emotions all over the place and feeling like I still can’t tell anyone why.

So yeah…it hasn’t gone away yet.  And I love Roderick and I’m really glad we’re still together.  But it’s really frustrating that he gets to already be over everything and have things be back to normal while I’m still struggling.  And I have gone through several really distinct phases (the not-leaving-the-house-ever phase, the going-to-every-party-and-getting-fantastically-drunk phase) and I keep thinking I’m okay again, but I’ve been slowly realizing I’m not quite there yet.  I think I’m in the I’m-almost-back-to-normal-but-still-sad-and-angry-sometimes phase.  And I guess this is something I need to talk about, especially since it’s gone on so much longer than I thought it would.

The fact that it happened, the person that it happened with, are still really big deal scary to me.  I can’t say her name, can barely even think her name, and I tend to refer to the event itself as “The Bad Stuff That Happened.”  Maybe if I talk about it more it will all lose some of that big deal scary power over me.  I hope.

7 Responses to “Emotional Fallout”

  1.   pandora Says:

    I'm sort of flattered. I'm glad you're talking about it though.What you feel is what you feel and there's no right or wrong about it. Even if it's directed at people you care about. You get choices about what you do but your emotions not so much.

  2.   Aryeh Says:

    Ditto on the happy you're talking about it. I empathize with your impulses to keep things quiet, but, in my limited experience, the public shaming of the cheater can be very emotionally validating to the betrayed and opens many avenues of dialogue that would go otherwise unexplored.

  3.   Artemisia Absinthium Says:

    @Aryeh – Um, nothing about this is about "public shaming of the cheater." That's the last thing I want. Which I tried to say at least three times in the post, but apparently I wasn't clear enough.

  4.   Anonymous Says:

    I think what aryeh was saying was that you did avoid exposing roderick to embarrassment by keeping the bad things quiet, but as a result you isolated yourself from sympathetic friends who had no idea what was going on. So theyre interacting with Roderick like nothing happened and now they regret it, cause had they known, they wouldve acted differently, ya know, like trying to support you.

Leave a Reply