Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

Introvert

If you had asked me, years ago, if I was an introvert I would have probably laughed in your face.

I love going out, I love performing, I love being the center of attention.  How could I possibly be an introvert?

Well, as I’ve become more familiar with what being an introvert actually means…well…I have to admit it’s a pretty fair description of me.  I get tired out in social situations, I find being around lots of people for too long really draining and I can maybe go out for two nights in a row before I need to spend some serious time alone.  I’m also terrible at small talk, but that may have more to do with general social ineptitude than my introvertedness.

It’s actually kind of comforting to be aware of all this, to know that I’m being reasonable and normal when I’m too tired to go out, yes even to that really fun event, no matter how much I would like to.  At least now I know it’s a thing that happens to lots of people, and every time I find a quote or a post on the internet about how exhausting being social sometimes is, I do a little dance inside my head because it sums up so many of my feelings.

On the other hand, this totally doesn’t fit with my image of who I want to be.  I want to be the center of attention, I want to be popular, I want to be a charming hostess who throws fabulous parties.  There is a part of me that totally wants to be the Mrs. Sally Adams of the BDSM scene (I realize this is a fairly ridiculous thing to want), but a lot of the time I barely have the energy to go to a party, let alone host one.  So I will probably never get to wear a sparkly silver evening gown while singing about how great my parties are.  I’m working on getting over that.

What’s been frustrating about all this lately, though, is that I feel like both of my partners are way better at this sort of thing than I am.  And I never thought that one of the things I would have the most jealousy issues over is that I feel like everyone I’m in a relationship with has way more friends than I do, is way more popular, and (perhaps the most frustrating part of all) this all seems to come really easily and naturally to both of them.  I’m working on dealing with this.  Actually, I’m working on figuring out how to deal with this, and once I’ve got that sorted out I’ll be working on dealing with it.

But yeah…I hate thinking that I’ll never get to be even sort of the person I want to be because of some unchangeable personality trait I’m stuck with.  I’m trying to find ways to get around it, but I’m mostly spending a lot of time hiding out in my apartment internetting and beating myself up for not being super-social and a better self-promoter.  I need to learn how to stop beating myself up.  I’m also working on reconciling the part of myself that wants to be a glittering social butterfly with the part of myself that wants to sit on the floor at my partners’ feet and not worry about the conversations going on around me.

I realize that, so far, this has been pretty much the least sexy sex blog ever, seeing as it has mostly been about what an insecure mess I am.  I promise to rectify that soon, but know there are also probably lots more mopey introspective posts where this one came from.

3 Responses to “Introvert”

  1.   Aurore Says:

    I'm so glad you decided to blog after all.I can relate to this wholeheartedly. I am an introvert and I've known it forever and I pretty much wanted to be that way. That is, until I changed careers and I'm now in HR. I love my job but sometimes I come home emotionally exhausted from it. It's odd but I think that push has helped me in a lot of ways. Before I was in a situation where I was working on my own almost constantly and I was beyond miserable. It's about finding the right balance for you. I think you could totally be a fabulous BDSM hostess, just not all the time. Maybe once a month or every few months. You do what you can handle. *hugs*

  2.   Artemisia Absinthium Says:

    @Aurore – Thank you! Validation is the best ever! Also, you raise a really good point about work. I sometimes forget or brush off the fact that i work in retail, and therefore am having (sometimes really emotional and intense) interactions with people, in addition to being on my feet all day. No wonder I'm always exhausted when I get home from work.

Leave a Reply