Mina Button's blog

kink and feminism and stuff…formerly known as Absinthe Cocktail.

Erotica Issues

I have written a bunch of erotica in the past six months or so.  Some of it is even posted online, thanks to the magic of anonyporn.  And part of the reason I started this blog was to write more, and actually post shit online…but…well…

I’m kind of embarrassed by it.

In real life, I’m all about negotiation and enthusiastic consent.  I have spent serious time on conversations like “x is okay, but y might be too much right now, can we table y for the time being?” and I love conversations like that.  Negotiation is awesome–negotiation is the thing that makes it possible to realize my scary fantasies, it keeps things hot-scary instead of panic-attack-inducing-scary.  Negotiation and consent are kind of magic that way.

I also really like seeing negotiation in porn.  I love, love, LOVE Tristan Taormino’s Rough Sex series for precisely this reason–the viewer actually gets to see the performers talk about what they want out of a scene.  It’s awesome.

But written erotica…written erotica is closer to an un-altered fantasy for me.  And if you’re just seeing the fantasy, you don’t necessarily get to see the part where everyone involved is an enthusiastic participant who wants to be there, mostly because the participants are made-up characters who only exist for the duration of the story.  And my problem here is that…well…a hot story can often look a lot like a fucked up story.  It’s not always clear how to tell the difference.

I’m pretty over being ashamed of my kinks.  I’ve been in an emotionally abusive relationship, I can tell you it bears only a superficial resemblance to consensual D/s.  But I worry that a lot of my fantasies look a little too much like really horrible things that actually happen to people, especially when they’re written out without the context of consent and negotiation and risk-management.  I really hate the thought of anything I write being taken by anyone as condoning or encouraging real, nonconsensual violence.

So…yeah.  Really not sure what to do with this.  Anyone have any thoughts?

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